I beg your pardon?
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”