Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
beware of dog
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.