Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.