Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.