MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?