them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me