In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
How can I say no to this ?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.