*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
had to share :’)
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.