It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit