A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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A friend sent me this.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
What kind of a cult is this?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Sorry. Not sorry
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.