Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?