Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
In banana years, I am bread.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff