[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake