So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold