Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri