If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Said the murderer.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.