Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I hate my earbuds.