At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.