I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie