I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Well, shit
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off