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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
These aliens are taking forever.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?