We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.