amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.