[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!