date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert