BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Good morning
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…