My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.