Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hot hot hot 🥵
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars