I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows