I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37