A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*