I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
#FunnyLife Insects
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Appendi
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Appendix
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*