If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic