ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?