Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.