*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Just me?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.