I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!