You Might Also Like
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Finally!
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.