Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.