“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.