I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
🤣🤣
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today