my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no