This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
wait.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.