*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened