Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.