What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.