63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?