LMAO.
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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.