I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Twitter fine art
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.