Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Not today. 😅
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”